In the past few years, I have been to five funerals. In the grand scheme of things, I guess that's not a lot for a 44 year old person, but for me, it has felt like a lot. Before the age of 40, I had attended only one service and I don't really remember it--just a general feeling of being uncomfortable. Now that I'm older and death isn't such a foreign concept, I realize that many funerals are going to be in my future. My parents are in their 80's, I've got friends, siblings, aunts and uncles, in-laws, and children. The thing about life is that if you've loved a lot, you're going to grieve a lot too. I think it's safe to say that most people don't look forward to funerals.
But they are important.
Why? First of all, funerals are not for the dead person. They are for the living. When someone dies, we need to grieve and a funeral service is a good way to get that ball rolling. Grief is a process and everyone does it differently, but the great thing about a funeral service is that you realize you are not alone in your grief and that this person's life meant something to several people. It's comforting to gather and celebrate someone's life whether they are turning 22 or they've just died. Some funeral homes are now offering life celebrations. This concept changes the perception that funerals don't have to be sad, solemn affairs. One place even boasts they put the "fun" in funerals. I don't know about that, but...
At the service I attended yesterday, I felt extremely uncomfortable because the person officiating made it more about himself and his missionary work than about the person who had died. He said if we ever wanted to see this person again, we had better accept Jesus as our savior. Or else. And he was yelling. I left feeling threatened, fearful and more sad than when I walked in. I wasn't really raised with religion, so this was my first exposure to a fire and brimstone type service. And it scared me.
It also reiterated what I want for my own funeral. I want people to gather and talk about my life. I want them to tell funny stories. I want a slideshow. I want music. I want good food. And I want who ever attends to feel as if death isn't a punishment. It is the most natural culmination of our life's journey. What happens to all of us after death is up for them to decide.
So, my question to you is what types of services have you attended? What did you like? What didn't you like?
A Book and a Funeral
I just finished reading Caitlin Doughty's book, "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: and Other Lessons form the Crematory" this afternoon and I really enjoyed it. Because of my own inquiry into death professions, I've read a ton of books about death. One look at the top row of my bookshelf and you might think I'm a little weird. Really, I'm not. (Okay, that's debatable.) But I do think the contemplation of death is important. As is talking about it.
On to the book...While a "behind the scenes peek into the funeral business" is not groundbreaking in its premise, it differs from Thomas Lynch's "The Undertaking" or Sherri Booker's "Nine Years Under" in that Doughty believes we should remove the middleman altogether and take care of our own dead. It's well written, it's humorous, it's heartfelt, but she lost me at the taking care of my dead part. If you don't know me, let me explain. I'm the kind of person who would rather pay a nice lady to scrub my feet and clip my toenails (while I read a trashy magazine) to avoid dealing with the disgustingness of my own toe-jammy, calloused tootsies. I think I'm not alone in this. It's not that I'm death or dead body averse, it's just that I don't want to wash and dress a dead person, especially someone I love. Thankfully, there are professionals for that. And I will pay them. Generously.
I do agree with her on the embalming, makeup applying ridiculousness of a burial, but unlike her, I don't want my body left out for animals to devour. I have a hard enough time when I catch my dog Shelton rooting around in the litter box for a "tootsie roll."
If you're into learning about death and want a book that's a conversation starter, check out her book!
I do agree with her on the embalming, makeup applying ridiculousness of a burial, but unlike her, I don't want my body left out for animals to devour. I have a hard enough time when I catch my dog Shelton rooting around in the litter box for a "tootsie roll."
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| There's the Poo Muncher. |
If you're into learning about death and want a book that's a conversation starter, check out her book!
Speaking of death, I am attending a funeral this Saturday. I didn't know the deceased very well, but what I did know of her, I seriously respected. I've attended several funerals since I hit my forties. The idea of a funeral service used to fill me with anticipatory grief and anxiety, but now I look at them as opportunities to celebrate someone's life and to perhaps provide some measure of comfort to those still living.
Thanks for stopping by and if you feel so inclined, vote in my burial vs. cremation poll at the bottom of my front page.
The Thing About Life
Is that it ends.
I know this may come as a shock, but I swear it's true. We can battle, we can pray, we can eat organic fruits and vegetables and drive a Prius, but one day our ticker will stop ticking. And there's nothing we can do about it.
This is my dog's shocked face. Actually, it's his "Did you just say treat?" face.
Actually, there is something you can do about it. Ready? Write this down. It's important.
I accept that one day I am going to die.
So while I'm alive, I'm going to be the most kick-ass, kind person I can be.
Okay, I will step down from my soap box.
For those who have been wondering, my brother-in-law, is doing much better with his new heart. It's been a long and bumpy road to recovery for him, but he's going to be home in the next week or two.
This week I'm getting my annual exam because it's October, Breast Cancer Awareness month. My doctor is the only person I allow to touch my boobs and insert things in my vagina without buying me dinner first. (Oh, simmer down. It's a joke.)
Until next time.
Oh, hey. There's a new death book out there. It's called
"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: and Other Lessons from the Crematory."
I bought it yesterday and I'll get a review up as soon as I'm finished.
Have a great week!