Step Away

As a challenge to myself, I wrote a flash fiction piece that is exactly 1,000 words. I have submitted it to several journals and magazines and nobody wants it. It’s quite possible that it sucks. But, for now, it’s all I’ve got. I’ve been working on adapting Forever 51 into a television series. No, Hollywood isn’t knocking down my door. I’ve been doing it as a challenge to myself and I’m finding it quite fun. I’m not exactly known for my page long descriptions of a person or a setting, but I am pretty good at nailing the telling detail and dialogue.

Anyway, this little piece is about death. It was inspired by my daughter’s job as a gallery attendant at The Modern.

“Please step away from the artwork. Thank you,” Patricia chirped into the exalted air of gallery four. She no longer bothered to count the times she said this rote expression during an eight-hour shift, but it had to be more than fifty. After twenty-three years at the Modern, that statement had become as perfunctory as “hello” or “good morning” when someone finally managed to notice her watchful presence. Through the years, the wording of this warning had to be changed to coddle the line crossing culprits. The big wigs upstairs worried that short, direct pronouncements from lowly polyester wearing personnel might scare paying guests from returning. It really didn’t matter how she worded the admonishment; the sentiment remained the same—please back the fuck up, in as pleasant a tone as she could muster. She was always pleasant. Not that anyone noticed. Patrons rarely looked in her direction as she reprimanded their proximity to the paintings. Most folks let the sing-song intonation of her words roll off their skin, as if they weren’t really doing anything wrong by leaning in too close to examine a brush stroke or an illegible signature. In their minds they were okay, not like the other rabble who couldn’t tell a Rothko from a Rembrandt. Not that the Modern had any Rembrandt’s. Patricia would have liked that.

Today was her favorite day to be on shift. On Tuesdays, adult traffic was typically low, but the galleries still bustled with busloads of children from the local schools. She watched as volunteer docents lead the gaggle through her gallery, stopping at certain pieces to impart a tidbit of interesting information about the artist or the painting’s provenance. Most of the kids were carefully attentive, happy to be out of the classroom, but there were a few whose eyes wandered to where she stood. In the past, one of these children would catch her shifting into a different sex or skin color. They’d quickly avert their eyes, tug on their teacher’s shirt sleeve, then sneak another look while the road maps of age traveled over every inch of her visible skin. Their eyes widened in amazement as her hair grew, changed hue, or receded as if frightened, back into the pores of her freckled scalp. But, with a solitary blink of their disbelieving eyes, the transition would end as if it had never begun. To the young and imaginative, she was simply another work of art.

It would have been nice if she’d felt treasured but there was little time for that, as her transformation lasted less than thirty seconds. It didn’t help that the return to her body felt disgusting and squishy, like she was a formless blob rising from the bottom of a murky, algae-filled lake with leeches attempting to attach to her flesh. The instant she resumed residence into her own skin, she would gasp for air as if she’d been holding her breath, which she might have been. She never knew what transpired in those missing moments. So as not to frighten those around her, she masked this gasp with a cough, but this practice had become equally disturbing to patrons. Inevitably, the sauntering art snobs would glare in her direction, huff their displeasure, then stomp off to the next gallery as if she’d single-handedly ruined their whole museum experience. She tried not to take their annoyance personally. Perhaps if she understood the reason she changed, who she changed into, or what she did when not herself, it might be different, but it never happened when she was alone in the comfort of her own studio apartment. There were always people, usually adults, mulling around her looking either pensive or forlorn.

Three children led by a young, frazzled teacher entered the gallery. As they approached the Koons piece in the center of the room, the teacher gripped the shoulder of an exuberant boy who looked as if he might explode out of his skin. She whispered something near his right ear, then looked apologetically at Patricia. 

Patricia smiled in response, yet remained immobile, her gaze following the towheaded boy as he wriggled free from his teacher’s grasp. The boy whooped into the quiet room then zigzagged  towards the next gallery as if he were dodging bullets. Patricia’s fingers began to tingle. She quickly brought the radio to her lips and quietly intoned, “code three, gallery five,” before she was lost to the moment.

The boy and his teacher were now in the next room. His shrieks of happiness dissipated as if he were a memory.

“Grandma!” a little girl, no more than five squealed, tugging at Patricia’s fingers.

Startled, Patricia gazed at her other hand which still held the radio. Mottled with age and adorned with pink polish, it was not her own. She tucked the radio into the pocket of her blazer..

“I missed you,” the girl hugged Patricia’s legs, which were now swimming in loose fabric.

“I’m afraid,” Patricia leaned over, whispering to the girl. “I don’t know where I am.”

“Don’t be afraid, grandma. I’ve got you.” The girl grasped Patricia’s hand tighter. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”  Patricia’s gaze darted around the white walled room. “This isn’t right.”.

“Mommy said you went to heaven, but she was wrong. You’re here.”

“Is this heaven?”

“I don’t think so, grandma, we’re at the museum.”

The radio came to life in Patricia’s pocket. “Gallery four. We need you in gallery seven to relieve John for lunch.”

Patricia released the girl’s hand to inspect the chirping foreign object. She brought it closer to her face.

A crazed woman rushed into the room, scooping the girl into her arms. “Don’t ever run off like that. I was so worried.”

“Look mom,” the girl pointed at Patricia. “It’s grandma!”

Patricia coughed violently into her shoulder.

“That’s just a nice lady who works at the museum. It’s not nice to point.” She turned to Patricia. “Thank you so much for watching her.”

“You’re welcome. I’m always here.”





The luckiest Girl in the world

I’m not one to get terribly upset by the death of a celebrity, but for some reason, the death of Lisa Marie Presley, blanketed me in a feeling of melancholy.

I didn’t know her, I wasn’t a follower of her music, but as a kid, I though she was the luckiest girl in the world. My parents were fans of Elvis and my dad took my mom to see him at the International Hotel in August 1969, a year before I was born. At that concert, my dad tipped the maitre’d really well and got a table near the stage. When Elvis was kissing the ladies, he urged my mom to go get a kiss from the King. Unfortunately, she was too shy for a smooch. Ugh.

I probably would have been just as nervous to go get a kiss. Elvis was a handsome devil who was larger than life. In 1976, I named my first pets, a couple of hamsters, Elvis and Priscilla. Unlike the real Elvis, hamster Elvis tragically ate his offspring, which the real Elvis would never do. I lost interest in hamster Elvis after that.

Real Elvis died the day before my birthday on August 16, 1977. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news—planted, probably three inches away, in front of the boob tube surrounded by a sea of shag carpeting. He died young, not a member of the tragic 27 club, but at 42, which seems like a spring chicken to me now.

Lisa Marie was 54 when she died, just two years older than me, which makes me think that maybe she wasn’t the luckiest girl in the world. Her beloved son, Benjamin, took his own life in 2020 and she was grieving that loss, which she wrote about here.

The statement she made in that essay that resonated with me the most was this, “Grief is something you will have to carry with you for the rest of your life, in spite of what certain people or our culture wants us to believe. You do not "get over it," you do not "move on," period.”

The truth of that statement hit me this week at the funeral of my friend’s mom. The second I sat down in that church, tears streamed and pooled into my mask. I couldn’t stop crying and this is soooooooooooo not me. Sure I felt empathy for my friend and her loss, but I didn’t know her mom, so the waterworks weren’t really for Ruth Eastland. Although she sounded like a hell of a gal and the service was beautiful.

This crying jag was all about the death of my own mom, who never got a funeral due to Covid after her death in October of 2020. As I sat in that pew, guilt and grief and anger bubbled up inside me in a jumble of confusion. My eyesockets were the only escape for the sadness, so I dabbed at them furiously with wadded up tissues, as my grief counselor’s voice echoed in my head, “feel your feelings.” So, I did. I sat there and I felt them. I cried, I wiped my tears, I blew my nose. At one point, I had to leave the room as I was about to have a coughing fit, which during a pandemic might cause some panic. My first instinct with all my crying was to be ashamed and go hide in the bathroom until the service was over, but I didn’t. I returned with fresh tissue to cry some more.

Grief is normal. It’s the price we pay for love. And to love and to know love is lucky.


Good Grief?

In 2008, I went to Goucher College to give myself permission to write. Because I’m a people pleaser, who ironically tries to avoid most people, I wrote my thesis based on an accidental call to a funeral home to please my mentor. (Hi Diana!) At 40, I didn’t have a lot of experience with death, but after exploring death professions for two years, I realized that it wasn’t death so much that I feared, it was grief. Stuffing unpleasant/uncomfortable feelings was my go-to coping mechanism, but I knew instinctively that the mighty giant of grief awaited around the corner and there was no way I would be able to stuff that shit. (Sorry, Diana, but sometimes “shit” is the best word.)

“If you’ve loved a lot, you’re going to grieve a lot.” Kati Bachman

It wasn’t just my own grief that I feared, it was also your grief. As I mentioned above, I avoid people. I’m an introvert (INFP if you’re into Myers Briggs) with social anxiety. You are more likely to find me at your (pre-Covid) soiree hiding in a corner playing with your dog than standing at the punchbowl making small talk with a bunch of strangers. (And that’s if I actually attend your party.) So, prior to writing about death, if we were coworkers and I found out that your mom died, I would avoid you.

One, because I didn’t know what to say to you to fix your grief. I have since discovered that there are no words to “fix” someone’s grief but avoiding people who are grieving has the unfortunate side effect of making that person feel like they are contagious or that what they are going through is wrong. Grief is not wrong. It’s natural. And I don’t know if you know this or not, but SPOILER ALERT: we are all going to die. People we love will die. Even people we don’t like will die. And right now, a lot of people are dying.

Two, because I didn’t want to make you feel worse by bringing up the death of the person that you loved. Which is ridiculous the more I think about it. You/I already feel bad. If I avoid talking about the pink elephant that I know is there, and you know is there, I imply that you need to get over this thing by yourself. And quickly. Like before next week so we can all get back to talking about Baby Yoda, the true meaning of covfefe (I think it’s Covid fatigue. Webster’s, call me!) or this ridiculously awful year.

My debut novel, Forever 51, came out this week and I have experienced everything from elation to existential dread. Wonderful things have been happening with the book, but I am also sad and weepy and it sucks. (Diana, I did refrain from using another expletive in that sentence.) I want to call my mom, but since that isn’t possible, talking/writing about my grief will have to do.

For now.