Step Away

As a challenge to myself, I wrote a flash fiction piece that is exactly 1,000 words. I have submitted it to several journals and magazines and nobody wants it. It’s quite possible that it sucks. But, for now, it’s all I’ve got. I’ve been working on adapting Forever 51 into a television series. No, Hollywood isn’t knocking down my door. I’ve been doing it as a challenge to myself and I’m finding it quite fun. I’m not exactly known for my page long descriptions of a person or a setting, but I am pretty good at nailing the telling detail and dialogue.

Anyway, this little piece is about death. It was inspired by my daughter’s job as a gallery attendant at The Modern.

“Please step away from the artwork. Thank you,” Patricia chirped into the exalted air of gallery four. She no longer bothered to count the times she said this rote expression during an eight-hour shift, but it had to be more than fifty. After twenty-three years at the Modern, that statement had become as perfunctory as “hello” or “good morning” when someone finally managed to notice her watchful presence. Through the years, the wording of this warning had to be changed to coddle the line crossing culprits. The big wigs upstairs worried that short, direct pronouncements from lowly polyester wearing personnel might scare paying guests from returning. It really didn’t matter how she worded the admonishment; the sentiment remained the same—please back the fuck up, in as pleasant a tone as she could muster. She was always pleasant. Not that anyone noticed. Patrons rarely looked in her direction as she reprimanded their proximity to the paintings. Most folks let the sing-song intonation of her words roll off their skin, as if they weren’t really doing anything wrong by leaning in too close to examine a brush stroke or an illegible signature. In their minds they were okay, not like the other rabble who couldn’t tell a Rothko from a Rembrandt. Not that the Modern had any Rembrandt’s. Patricia would have liked that.

Today was her favorite day to be on shift. On Tuesdays, adult traffic was typically low, but the galleries still bustled with busloads of children from the local schools. She watched as volunteer docents lead the gaggle through her gallery, stopping at certain pieces to impart a tidbit of interesting information about the artist or the painting’s provenance. Most of the kids were carefully attentive, happy to be out of the classroom, but there were a few whose eyes wandered to where she stood. In the past, one of these children would catch her shifting into a different sex or skin color. They’d quickly avert their eyes, tug on their teacher’s shirt sleeve, then sneak another look while the road maps of age traveled over every inch of her visible skin. Their eyes widened in amazement as her hair grew, changed hue, or receded as if frightened, back into the pores of her freckled scalp. But, with a solitary blink of their disbelieving eyes, the transition would end as if it had never begun. To the young and imaginative, she was simply another work of art.

It would have been nice if she’d felt treasured but there was little time for that, as her transformation lasted less than thirty seconds. It didn’t help that the return to her body felt disgusting and squishy, like she was a formless blob rising from the bottom of a murky, algae-filled lake with leeches attempting to attach to her flesh. The instant she resumed residence into her own skin, she would gasp for air as if she’d been holding her breath, which she might have been. She never knew what transpired in those missing moments. So as not to frighten those around her, she masked this gasp with a cough, but this practice had become equally disturbing to patrons. Inevitably, the sauntering art snobs would glare in her direction, huff their displeasure, then stomp off to the next gallery as if she’d single-handedly ruined their whole museum experience. She tried not to take their annoyance personally. Perhaps if she understood the reason she changed, who she changed into, or what she did when not herself, it might be different, but it never happened when she was alone in the comfort of her own studio apartment. There were always people, usually adults, mulling around her looking either pensive or forlorn.

Three children led by a young, frazzled teacher entered the gallery. As they approached the Koons piece in the center of the room, the teacher gripped the shoulder of an exuberant boy who looked as if he might explode out of his skin. She whispered something near his right ear, then looked apologetically at Patricia. 

Patricia smiled in response, yet remained immobile, her gaze following the towheaded boy as he wriggled free from his teacher’s grasp. The boy whooped into the quiet room then zigzagged  towards the next gallery as if he were dodging bullets. Patricia’s fingers began to tingle. She quickly brought the radio to her lips and quietly intoned, “code three, gallery five,” before she was lost to the moment.

The boy and his teacher were now in the next room. His shrieks of happiness dissipated as if he were a memory.

“Grandma!” a little girl, no more than five squealed, tugging at Patricia’s fingers.

Startled, Patricia gazed at her other hand which still held the radio. Mottled with age and adorned with pink polish, it was not her own. She tucked the radio into the pocket of her blazer..

“I missed you,” the girl hugged Patricia’s legs, which were now swimming in loose fabric.

“I’m afraid,” Patricia leaned over, whispering to the girl. “I don’t know where I am.”

“Don’t be afraid, grandma. I’ve got you.” The girl grasped Patricia’s hand tighter. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”  Patricia’s gaze darted around the white walled room. “This isn’t right.”.

“Mommy said you went to heaven, but she was wrong. You’re here.”

“Is this heaven?”

“I don’t think so, grandma, we’re at the museum.”

The radio came to life in Patricia’s pocket. “Gallery four. We need you in gallery seven to relieve John for lunch.”

Patricia released the girl’s hand to inspect the chirping foreign object. She brought it closer to her face.

A crazed woman rushed into the room, scooping the girl into her arms. “Don’t ever run off like that. I was so worried.”

“Look mom,” the girl pointed at Patricia. “It’s grandma!”

Patricia coughed violently into her shoulder.

“That’s just a nice lady who works at the museum. It’s not nice to point.” She turned to Patricia. “Thank you so much for watching her.”

“You’re welcome. I’m always here.”





The luckiest Girl in the world

I’m not one to get terribly upset by the death of a celebrity, but for some reason, the death of Lisa Marie Presley, blanketed me in a feeling of melancholy.

I didn’t know her, I wasn’t a follower of her music, but as a kid, I though she was the luckiest girl in the world. My parents were fans of Elvis and my dad took my mom to see him at the International Hotel in August 1969, a year before I was born. At that concert, my dad tipped the maitre’d really well and got a table near the stage. When Elvis was kissing the ladies, he urged my mom to go get a kiss from the King. Unfortunately, she was too shy for a smooch. Ugh.

I probably would have been just as nervous to go get a kiss. Elvis was a handsome devil who was larger than life. In 1976, I named my first pets, a couple of hamsters, Elvis and Priscilla. Unlike the real Elvis, hamster Elvis tragically ate his offspring, which the real Elvis would never do. I lost interest in hamster Elvis after that.

Real Elvis died the day before my birthday on August 16, 1977. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news—planted, probably three inches away, in front of the boob tube surrounded by a sea of shag carpeting. He died young, not a member of the tragic 27 club, but at 42, which seems like a spring chicken to me now.

Lisa Marie was 54 when she died, just two years older than me, which makes me think that maybe she wasn’t the luckiest girl in the world. Her beloved son, Benjamin, took his own life in 2020 and she was grieving that loss, which she wrote about here.

The statement she made in that essay that resonated with me the most was this, “Grief is something you will have to carry with you for the rest of your life, in spite of what certain people or our culture wants us to believe. You do not "get over it," you do not "move on," period.”

The truth of that statement hit me this week at the funeral of my friend’s mom. The second I sat down in that church, tears streamed and pooled into my mask. I couldn’t stop crying and this is soooooooooooo not me. Sure I felt empathy for my friend and her loss, but I didn’t know her mom, so the waterworks weren’t really for Ruth Eastland. Although she sounded like a hell of a gal and the service was beautiful.

This crying jag was all about the death of my own mom, who never got a funeral due to Covid after her death in October of 2020. As I sat in that pew, guilt and grief and anger bubbled up inside me in a jumble of confusion. My eyesockets were the only escape for the sadness, so I dabbed at them furiously with wadded up tissues, as my grief counselor’s voice echoed in my head, “feel your feelings.” So, I did. I sat there and I felt them. I cried, I wiped my tears, I blew my nose. At one point, I had to leave the room as I was about to have a coughing fit, which during a pandemic might cause some panic. My first instinct with all my crying was to be ashamed and go hide in the bathroom until the service was over, but I didn’t. I returned with fresh tissue to cry some more.

Grief is normal. It’s the price we pay for love. And to love and to know love is lucky.


Monday Mourning on a Wednesday

Way back in 2008 when I was researching death professions, I started a blog called “The Death Writer.” On that blog, I used to ask people the same questions that I’m answering in this post. My aim was to allow people to talk about their loved one and the grief they experienced, which might normalize this conversation in some small way.

I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom’s death and I still feel the weight of grief. The fact that my mom died of the Covid virus, which is still raging due to the Delta variant, complicates matters. I am not going to lie or sugar coat the fact that I feel a lot of anger towards the people who deny how deadly it is. I guess they have to experience it on a personal level before it gets real. With that said…

Who was the person?

My mom, Ora McCully.

OraMcCully.png

How old were you at the time?

50

How old was the person?

88

Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?

My mom was exposed to Covid 19 when my stepdad was brought home from physical rehab. He had been there for a month and wasn’t getting better. They assured my mom he tested negative, but after a bit of digging, I found that they tested him on the day he was released and the lab report said, “sample spilled in transit, please resubmit.” He died eight days after coming home. Five days after his death, she tested positive for Covid and was admitted to the hospital. I wrote about this experience for CNN. Because she was so healthy, I totally thought she was going to be okay. It wasn’t until she had to be intubated on her birthday that the possibility of death really sunk in. My mom didn’t want to be intubated and the doctor couldn’t do it without her consent. He asked that I come to the hospital to convince her. And I did.

I wrote about my regret about making that decision for an anthology called “The Phone: An Unruly Collection of Second Chances.” This book was inspired by an art installation called “phone of the wind,” which you can read about here. I believe it will be released in December of this year. I will keep you posted.

Did you and the person ever talk about death?

Yes. I had written a book called “Death Becomes Us,” which she had read. She attended one of my Death Over Dinners and I encouraged her to get her affairs in order. At the time of her death, she did have an Advance Directive and a handwritten will, which is legal in Texas, but her spouse died before her, and he didn’t have a will. They were both each other’s beneficiaries, which was incredibly complex to navigate. Please, do your loved ones a favor and draft a will, an advance directive, appoint someone as your medical and/or financial power of attorney. Trust me on this one. It is never too early to think about and plan for the end. It is truly a gift you can give your loved ones.

Had you experienced any other deaths in your life before this person died?

Yes. My grandmother, Lola, when I was fourteen. My mother-in-law, Lovina Skjolsvik and my dad, Bob Johson. My neighbor, Burch Stevens, also died in 2020 and I found his body.

Were people supportive of you in your grief or did they shy away from you when you were grieving?

Because I wrote about my mom on Facebook to update friends and family on her condition, many people reached out to me after she died. People sent cards, sent flowers and dropped off food. But, as is typical and I am just as guilty of it as the next person, after the initial flood of sympathy and concern, people stop talking about her. Why do people, including myself, do this? Because they don’t want to make you feel sad. SPOILER ALERT I am already sad, so you bringing up my mom isn’t going to make me even sadder. If anything, it reminds me that she lives on in the thoughts and memories of others. I may start to cry, but I’ve learned through grief counseling that that is okay. The more we love, the more we are going to grieve. I am going on a year and my grief is still there. While it’s not as raw as the day she died, not a day goes by that I don’t think about my mom or want to call her and tell her what’s going on in my life or ask her a question.

Was the person buried or cremated?

My mom was cremated. Next week, my mom and stepdad will finally be placed in a cemetery. Due to the surge of Covid cases in Texas, the in person memorial service has been postponed.

Did you learn anything about the grieving process you’d like to share?

Because we can’t gather due to Covid and my siblings don’t want to risk their health by traveling to Texas right now, I have learned how important gathering with friends and family is in the grief process. People need people. We also need ceremonies and rituals. We did have a Zoom memorial that I livestreamed on Facebook, which was nice, but I would have preferred to have had one in person. I may not be the huggiest person in the world, but I needed lots of hugs. Still do.

Were there any songs played at the memorial that were important to the person?

Yes. My sister-in-law, Nancy, made a lovely slideshow of my mom. The video plays to the song, “You and Me Against the World” which was a song that she used to play a lot when I was a kid. She said it was our song. It makes me bawl like a baby everytime I hear it. Another song that brings me to tears is “Remember Me” from the animated film Coco. My mom loved music, so there are a ton of songs out there that remind me of her. When I was a teenager, I used to be embarrassed when she would sing in the car with my friends. Now, I would give anything to hear her belt out a show tune.