Welcome to “The Pause!” Every Wednesday (if I can find women of a certain age who are willing to share their experience with me and you) there will be a new post.
Why am I doing this? Well, I’m almost 50 and I would REALLY like to feel less alone in this new chapter of my life. I feel like our culture doesn’t want to talk about menopause. It’s like if you admit that your period has stopped, you are admitting to something shameful or unnatural. Like death, menopause is both inevitable (if you’re lucky enough to grow older) and pretty darn natural. I used to think it was hard to get people to talk about death, but you can double that hesitancy when it comes to chatting about “THE CHANGE!”
If you read the first post, I am now on a quest to find media representations of a menopausal woman. I couldn’t find one, so we’re going with an awesome Ted Talk by Sandra Tsing Loh. If you know of any story lines in movies or television shows that address this major transition in a woman’s life without making it a punchline, leave it in the comments!
So, before we begin our chat, let’s define perimenopause and menopause from Merriam Webster’s online dictionary.
Definition of menopause
1: the natural cessation of menstruation that usually occurs between the ages of 45 and 55 also : the period during which such cessation occurs
— called also climacteric
— compare PERIMENOPAUSE
2: cessation of menstruation from other than natural causes
Definition of perimenopause
: the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (such as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity)
So now that that’s clear, my next willing participant is Julie who is in her sixties.
1. Do you remember your mother or an older woman in your family going through “the change of life?” If so, what was that like?
I don't know that anyone ever talked about it to me, or that I was aware of it. However, my own bipolar disorder was triggered most by hormones (onset of menstruation, pregnancy, nursing...), and my paternal grandmother, also bipolar, committed suicide in her late 50s or early 60s after five children and years of unsuccessful treatment (medicines and electroshock therapy). I suspect she may have had similar issues.
2. Was perimenopause/menopause ever discussed with you by your mother, sister, friend, or a doctor? If so, what did that discussion entail?
I don't know where I first learned of perimenopause—reading, doctor, or friend. I do know that I didn't seek out enough information or ask enough questions. As a result, I did not act quickly enough to prevent some vaginal atrophy. I thought that my dryness was due simply to perimenopause, and my doctor suggested coconut oil (very messy). I've had better luck with two products (Vulva Harmony and Vulvacare). Other products did little to help. Sea buckthorn capsules are my latest effort to make intercourse tolerable/possible again. They must mimic hormones well, as they make me irritable. I can't tell yet if they help. Women clearly need to tell each other more much earlier.
3. Was menopause something you feared or something you looked forward to? (Yay, no more periods! Boo, I’m drowning in my own sweat!)
I really didn't understand that I might lose my sexuality by not being proactive, so primarily looked forward to fewer hormone-induced mood swings. Nobody loves menstrual cycles, do they?
4. What was your experience like? Did you burst into flames? Grow a mustache? Gain a ton of weight? Lose your hair? Lose your mind? Or was it easy peasy, Tampax can kiss my vageasy?
At about age 45, I began gaining weight and losing my waistline. It was concerning, but seemed pretty normal. I remained busy and active. No hair loss until around 58 (slight thinning). I may have missed a great deal because I developed type 1 diabetes at age 48 (medical rarity), had a vaginal hysterectomy (retained only ovaries) due to a prolapsed uterus the same fall, and was so immersed in diabetes management that I could no longer separate the two accurately.
5. Is there anything you wish you had known before you went through perimenopause/menopause?Anything you would have done differently?
I would have considered natural treatments to retain vaginal integrity and lubrication. It's hard to amend loss of functionality. I fear hormonal treatment because type 1 diabetes increases cancer risk significantly. I like living better than sex. I certainly wish I'd read more and asked more questions. I could also be more adventuresome (not closed to other options or naive, but rarely employ them anymore. At some point, sex begins to feel as much like work as like pleasure when years of dysfunction make it increasingly infrequent.
Julie, thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing your experience!
And you can too! Just reach out via my contact page. If you want me to reach out to you and help me do my little part to help save the USPS. I bought a TON of stamps and if you sign up for my newsletter, I will send you some swag (stickers, bookmarks and if you pre-order my book, I’ll send you a cute little button!!) from my debut novel Forever 51. (It’s about an eternally menopausal vampire.)