Donna lives and travels full-time in a 41' 5th wheel toy hauler pulled by a small Freightliner truck. A retired IT professional she also rides her own Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Her most recent passion is writing. You can find her at http://2takinga5th.com as well as http://donnamcnicol.com
DW: Who was the person that died?DM: It was my husband of 19 years.
DW: How old were you at the time? DM: I had just turned 58.
DW: How old was your husband? DM: He had just turned 62.
DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen? DM: He had been diagnosed with head/neck cancer in 2001. He stayed in remission just over two years so when it came back, he was terminal. He had almost another year. I'm not sure if knowing it's going to happen is an advantage or not other than being more financially prepared.
DW: Did you and your husband talk about death? DM: Not to a great extent. I think he always thought he would beat it. I tend to be more of a realist and knew the odds. I tried my best to prepare myself.
DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before this person died? DM: I had lost all four grandparents, a couple of uncles and both parents. Some were unexpected and at a younger age, the others more late in life deaths.
DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving? DM: People were extremely supportive of me. If anyone shied away, it was me. We had moved from Florida to a small town in Tennessee less than two months before he died. He wanted to see me settled in a comfortable spot. That was the good part. The bad part was I knew one neighbor (barely) and my realtor. Oh, and the Harley-Davidson dealer in the neighboring town where I had bought my new bike the month before. I slowly got to know people by forcing myself out of the house even if it was to sit at McDonald's to drink coffee and read for a couple of hours.
DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently? DM: I wish he hadn't worked right up until the end but I also know that working helped him through his days.
DW: Was he buried or cremated? DM: He was cremated and most of his ashes where spread in the mountains of Tennessee. In addition, we bought small glass bottles and the funeral home put some of his ashes in each. Each of our kids (we were a blended family) and some close friends and other family, got the bottle with the Dr. Seuss/Theodor Geisel saying, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." on it. They then chose to celebrate his life in their own way. His ashes were spread at Daytona Bike Week, Pikes Peak in Colorado, down by the river he played at as a child in Rochester NY and other favored spots. I also carry a small vial on my key ring with some of his ashes so he is always with me. My bottle of his ashes will be mixed in with mine when I pass.
DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share? DM: The biggest thing that surprised me was the ebb and flow. For the first two years it's a roller coaster. You'll be doing fine and a song or a phrase or a TV show/movie will bring back a memory. I learned to let myself wallow for a bit, then head back out and face the world as best as I could.
DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your husband? DM: He had no memorial service, thus the bottles of ashes, but some good songs would be: "Shameless" Garth Brooks (his favorite and it still makes me cry) "Live Like You Were Dying" Tim McGraw (I could listen to either of these the first year) "Colour My World" Chicago (sort of our song - see http://www.write4ten.com/2012/06/prompt-song-memory.html)
Monday Mournings: The Death of a Brother
My name is Jim Wright, but most people just call me... erm... Jim. I'm a native of northeast Alabama, Navy veteran and retired from a large Pathology laboratory in Birmingham, Alabama. I now live in Amman, Jordan with my Companion, Zeek and our psychotic cat, Umm Khalil. These days I spend most of my time writing, blogging, and Tweeting and just self-published my first book, New Yesterdays at Create Space.
I spent about twenty or so years, on and off, in the funeral industry. Those years were some of the most rewarding of my life and certainly helped to make me the man I am today. (You can read my interviews with Jim here and here.)
DW: Who was the person that died?
JW: My younger brother, Tony.
DW: How old were you at the time?
JW: I was 17 years old.
DW: How old was Tony?
JW: 16.
DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?
JW: It was "suddenly expected." He came down with cold and flu symptoms about three weeks before he died. His condition progressed fairly rapidly from "nothing to be concerned about" to a comatose state. We were advised not to hope for recovery about a week before he died. We finally disconnected the life support systems and allowed him to die, still without a firm diagnosis. The autopsy revealed that he had died of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. It was the first recorded case of that condition east of the Mississippi River. RMSF attacks the body universally which led the doctors on a merry chase after pneumonia, renal failure, respiratory failure and so many others. They even debated whether Tony had contracted some kind of viral encephalitis or meningitis.
DW: Did you and Tony ever talk about their death?
JW: Death wasn't a subject of conversation with teenage boys in those days.
DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before your brother died?
JW: Yes. My sister died from SIDS when I was about 4 and my maternal Grandmother and an uncle when I was ten.
DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving?
JW: Quite supportive actually. I come from a very large and, in those days, close-knit family. From the time Tony's condition became serious we were never left alone. My Father's sisters and brothers, as well as my cousins were all there on a daily and nightly basis offering support, kind words and just being there. After the funeral, they didn't desert us. I'd have to say that my extended family helped me to get through that very difficult grieving process in a way that no professional counselor could ever have done.
DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently with this person?
JW: I don't think so. I only regret we didn't have more time together. We were fourteen months apart in age and naturally very close. I added him as a character in my recently published book. The months I spent writing that story, I felt he was right there beside me helping flesh out the story. After thirty-nine years, he is still with me and I think about him surprisingly often.
DW: Was he buried or cremated?
JW: He is buried out in the countryside, in our family cemetery, under a tall cedar tree.
DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share?
JW: I think I learned that having a support system in place is critical to the grieving process. That being said, I also think that grieving is a very private affair that you ultimately have to face alone, in the dark. All the support, kind words, and warm gestures are necessary to get through the initial stages but finally it has to be faced and accepted alone.
DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your brother?
JW: I have to honestly say that I can't remember what music was played. The thing I remember most is my Dad saying that he didn't want a "traditional" funeral. He explained that, in his opinion, funerals were torture, in those days, with a person or group getting up and singing a song about joyous, heavenly reunions and then a preacher getting up and wringing the tears out of the family and friends. Back then, funerals in my area of the South had a minimum of three preachers who usually took the opportunity to give a modified revival-type sermon warning that the deceased had barely scraped by and managed to miss Hell, but a lot of us might not be so lucky. Gawd, how I hated those funerals! So, Dad selected a couple of hymns and one preacher who was a good friend of his. He promised to limit his remarks to no more than 15 minutes, and he kept that promise.
Sorry for that tangent. Back to the question at hand, Elton John had just come out with his Yellow Brick Road album. I can remember Tony and me both saying that "Funeral For a Friend" and "Candle in the Wind" would be perfect funeral music. But of course, we knew when we said it that we both would be living for many, many years before we had to think about such things...
This one goes out to Tony.
Monday Mournings: The Death of a Grandmother
My name is Elizabeth Twist. I write dark speculative fiction, mostly fantasy and horror, with some science fiction for good measure. I'm forty-one, and I live in Hamilton, Ontario, a former industrial centre that's doing its best to find itself.
DW: Who was the person that died?
ET: My maternal grandmother.
DW: How old were you at the time?
ET: I had just turned thirty-two. The call came the day after my birthday.
DW: How old was your grandmother?
ET: Ninety-six.
DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?
ET: Her death was sudden, although my grandmother seems to have known it would happen. On August 26th, she had been moved from her home to a care facility. She told someone, "You know, I'm only going to be in here for a month." She was right.
DW: Did you and your grandmother talk about their death?
ET: We didn't talk explicitly about her death, although I realized later that she'd been trying to talk about it a great deal. In the three years prior to her death, she reported seeing my grandfather, who had already passed sixteen years prior. At first he would appear in a doorway and hold his hand up to her as if forbidding her to approach. Later, he spoke with her, although she was shy about telling anyone the content of those conversations.DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before your grandmother died?ET: In addition to my maternal grandfather, both of my paternal grandparents had passed. I also count the passing of the family dog as a significant death.
DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving?
ET: My grandmother was the core of my extended family. Our gatherings happened at her house, and in many cases were celebrating her - Mother's Day and her birthday were a big deal, but we also got together at her place for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and other holidays. Her loss was devastating to everyone, and was especially hard on my mom, who had dedicated a lot of time and energy to making sure my grandmother was okay. I was more in a position of offering support than receiving it. I chose to keep my grief to myself for the most part.
DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently with this person?
ET: I wish I'd spent more time with her. I was in graduate school when she died, and it seemed like there was never enough time.
DW: Was she buried or cremated?ET: She was buried next to her husband.
DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share?
ET: Not to cast a shadow on what happened at the time at all - everyone was doing their best - but I think it's important, if you have to inform someone of the death of a significant person, to not leave that information in a voice mail message. Email would be even worse. I have never felt quite as lonely as I did when I had to listen to a recorded voice telling me that my grandmother had died. When you're getting that kind of news, you probably will want someone there with you, even if it's on the other end of a phone line. Those first few moments are the worst.
Each in their own way, my maternal grandparents both taught me that death is not the end. My grandfather visited me after he passed - my first paranormal experience. My grandmother, in her gentle insistence that he frequently returned to visit her in the time leading up to her death, strengthened my sense that those who leave their physical bodies are not gone. At the same time, when she died I really felt the vacuum she left behind. I won't call it faith, because it's not based in a religious tradition and it's experiential, so it's more like a knowing. My grandmother's death really brought into focus my sense that we come together with the families we have because those are the people we need to know in this lifetime, and there is nothing to fear in death, although it is a difficult transition for everyone involved.
DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your grandmother?
ET: I can't think of any, but Granny was a big soap opera follower. I remember watching this old opening to Days of Our Lives at her place. You could play that if you wanted to.